"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."

"I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it."

"Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film."

"The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?"

"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."

"What's another word for thesaurus?"

"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."

"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."

"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."

"If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?"

"There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."

"When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane."

"If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny."

"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

"I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room."

"Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before."

"It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself."

"It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature."

"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

"I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension."

"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."