"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."

"What's another word for thesaurus?"

"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."

"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."

"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."

"If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?"

"There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."

"When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane."

"If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny."

"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

"I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room."

"Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before."

"It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself."

"It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature."

"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

"I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension."

"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."

"A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here."

"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."

"Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark."