"If you fail to report within the next 12 hours. you will be terminated. If you attack any humans, you will be terminated. If you attempt to remove the tracking device, you will be terminated. We look forward to working with you."

"I stared at him (Dionysus). "You're...you're married? But I thought you got in trouble for chasing a wood nymph-"

"Buttercup's mother whirled on him. 'Did you forget to pay your taxes?' (This was after taxes. But everything is after taxes. Taxes were here even before stew.)"

"Mirrors should think longer before they reflect."

"Because sometimes you just have to dance like a madman in the Self-Help section of your local bookstore."

"How ghastly for her, people actually thinking, with their brains, and right next door. Oh, the travesty of it all."

"If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked."

"She can go with us to the lab and keep Myrnin pinned down while we pull the plug, if he's not... you know, better.""Define BETTER with that guy.""Not all fangs and raaaaar."

"I am human and I need to be loved,just like everybody else does."

"You okay?""Fine.""Your heart's beating really fast.""Gee, thanks. That's very comforting that you can hear it."He smiled, and it was the old Michael, the one she'd first met before all the vamp stuff."Yeah, I know it is. Sorry. Just stay behind me if there's trouble.""You sound like Shane.""Well, he did say he'd kill me if I got you hurt. I'm just looking after my own neck.""Liar."

"Rincewind could scream for mercy in nineteen languages, and just scream in another forty-four."

"Hey, bro, do you think you can put Shorty back on her chain?"I stepped forward with my hands on my hips, only slightly intimidated to find Kaleb almost eye level with me when he was seated and I was standing."First of all, no one is the boss of me but me. Secondly, if you ever reference my 'chain' again, I will kick your ass." I jabbed him hard in the chest with my finger. Possibly breaking it. "And thirdly, don't call me Shorty."Kaleb sat silently for a second, his eyes wide as he looked at Michael. "Where did you get her? Can you get me one?"I blew out a loud, frustrated sigh and dropped down beside Michael, who didn't even try to hide his smile. "You should probably apologize to Emerson.""I am sorry." Kaleb grinned at me. "Sorry I didn't meet you first."

"There's no room for demons when you're self-possessed."

"Take a nap in a fireplace and you'll sleep like a log."

"Of course, everyone's parents are embarrassing. It goes with the territory. The nature of parents is to embarrass merely by existing, just as it is the nature of children of a certain age to cringe with embarrassment, shame, and mortification should their parents so much as speak to them on the street."

"Normal people can become very annoying if put in annoying situations."

"This was not a fairy-tale castle and there was no such thing as a fairy-tale ending, but sometimes you could threaten to kick the handsome prince in the ham-and-eggs."

"If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?"

"First bubble baths. Now Disney parks. You're shattering every creep vampire myth I've ever heard."

"If all the girls attending [the Yale prom] were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised."

"We'll meet at the theater tonight. I'll hold your seat 'til you get there. Once you get there"

"Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn."