"Pasteboard pies and paper flowers are being banished from the stage by the growth of that power of accurate observation which is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it...."

"He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches."

"We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience."

"When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth."

"I’m an atheist and I thank God for it."

"The play was a great success, but audience was a dismal failure."

"My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world."

"A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it."

"If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance."

"Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends."

"A photographer is like a cod, which produces a million eggs in order that one may reach maturity."

"The man who writes about himself and his own time is the only man who writes about all people and all time."

"You see things; you say, 'Why?' But I dream things that never were; and I say 'Why not?"

"Life is no brief candle to me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I have got a hold of for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations."

"In heaven an angel is no one in particular."

"When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part."

"There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it."

"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man."

"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing."

"Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself."

"What you are to do without me I cannot imagine."

"There is no love sincerer than the love of food."