"Before I speak, I have something important to say."

"Room service? Send up a larger room."]"

"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

"Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while"

"Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun."

"Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know."

"If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere."

"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know."

"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others."

"I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER."

"Humor is reason gone mad."

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."

"From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'."

"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."

"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

"Before I speak, I have something important to say."

"Room service? Send up a larger room."]"

"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."