"I mean to say, I know perfectly well that I've got, roughly speaking, half the amount of brain a normal bloke ought to possess. And when a girl comes along who has about twice the regular allowance, she too often makes a bee line for me with the love light in her eyes. I don't know how to account for it, but it is so.""It may be Nature's provision for maintaining the balance of the species, sir."

"Whenever I get that sad, depressed feeling, I go out and kill a policeman."

"What's the use of a great city having temptations if fellows don't yield to them?"

"As for Gussie Finknottle, many an experienced undertaker would have been deceived by his appearance and started embalming on sight."

"It was one of those cases where you approve the broad, general principle of an idea but can't help being in a bit of a twitter at the prospect of putting it into practical effect. I explained this to Jeeves, and he said much the same thing had bothered Hamlet."

"In a series of events, all of which had been a bit thick, this, in his opinion, achieved the maximum of thickness."

"You would not enjoy Nietzsche, sir. He is fundamentally unsound."

"There is only one cure for grey hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine."

"Mike nodded. A sombre nod. The nod Napoleon might have given if somebody had met him in 1812 and said, "So, you're back from Moscow, eh?"

"The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun."

"I am not always good and noble. I am the hero of this story, but I have my off moments."

"Unseen in the background, Fate was quietly slipping lead into the boxing-glove."

"I know I was writing stories when I was five. I don’t remember what I did before that. Just loafed, I suppose."

"If there is one thing I dislike, it is the man who tries to air his grievances when I wish to air mine."

"A melancholy-looking man, he had the appearance of one who has searched for the leak in life's gas-pipe with a lighted candle."

"What ho!" I said."What ho!" said Motty."What ho! What ho!""What ho! What ho! What ho!"After that it seemed rather difficult to go on with the conversation."

"I'm not absolutely certain of the facts, but I rather fancy it's Shakespeare who says that it's always just when a fellow is feeling particularly braced with things in general that Fate sneaks up behind him with the bit of lead piping."

"Freddie experienced the sort of abysmal soul-sadness which afflicts one of Tolstoy's Russian peasants when, after putting in a heavy day's work strangling his father, beating his wife, and dropping the baby into the city's reservoir, he turns to the cupboards, only to find the vodka bottle empty."

"I could see that, if not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled."

"Red hair, sir, in my opinion, is dangerous."

"There are moments, Jeeves, when one asks oneself, 'Do trousers matter?'""The mood will pass, sir."

"It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them."