"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."

"If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans."

"Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television."

"I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer."

"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good."

"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness."

"How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?"

"I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak."

"My brain? That's my second favorite organ."

"If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up."

"Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic."

"I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic."

"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred."

"I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100."

"I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland."

"God is silent. Now if only man would shut up."

"To you, I'm an atheist.To God, I'm the loyal opposition."

"Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!"

"All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it."

"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."

"There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly."

"You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ."