"If you can't win by reason, go for volume."

"I feel ill," [Howl] announced. "I'm going to bed, where I may die."

"Succotash my cocker spaniel, you fudging crevasse-hole dipshiitake!"

"Scientists talk about dark matter, the invisible, mysterious substance that occupies the space between stars. Dark matter makes up 99.99 percent of the universe, and they don't know what it is. Well I do. It's apathy. That's the truth of it; pile together everything we know and care about in the universe and it will still be nothing more than a tiny speck in the middle of a vast black ocean of Who Gives a Fuck."

"It is one of those lessons that every child should learn: Don't play with fire, sharp objects, or ancient artifacts."

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die."

"You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither."

"Have you made any other friends since we've been here?"I gave him the death stare. "Yes, actually.""Who? I want a name.""Jamie Roth.""The Ebola kid? I heard he's a little unstable.""That was one incident."

"My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for."

"She'd absolutely adored the library_an entire building where anyone could take things they didn't own and feel no remorse about it."

"I like ducks." Jem observed diplomatically. "Esspecially the ones in Hyde Park." He glanced side ways at Will; both boys were sitting at the edge of a high table, thier legs dangling over the side. "Remember when you tried to convince me to feed pultry pie the the mallards in the park to see if you couls breed a race of cannibal ducks?""They ate it too," Will reminisced. "Bloodthirsty little beasts. Never trust a duck."

"What...what about when I'm married?”“We'll buy a cot. Your husband can sleep on that when he visits."

"Gabi to Marcus "I can't believe out of one hundred thousand sperm, you were the fastest!"

"good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere"

"Kitten, this is my best mate, Charles, but you can call him Spade. Charles, this is Cat, the woman I’ve been telling you about. You can see for yourself that everything I’ve said is…an understatement."

"I am not sure I trust you.""You can trust me with your life, My King.""But not with my wine, obviously. Give it back."

"Housework can kill you if done right."

"There is a great need for a sarcasm font."

"Katsa and Po were trying to drown each other and, judging from their hoots of laughter, enjoying it immensely."

"Any customer can have a car painted any colour that he wants so long as it is black."

"Are you an idiot, or an idiot?' Gargarin hissed.'The first one. I really resent being called the second."

"Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God."