"In youth, it was a way I had,To do my best to please.And change, with every passing ladTo suit his theories.But now I know the things I knowAnd do the things I do,And if you do not like me so,To hell, my love, with you."

"By the time you swear you're his,Shivering and sighing.And he vows his passion is,Infinite, undying.Lady make note of this --One of you is lying."

"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."

"If all the girls attending [the Yale prom] were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised."

"The two most beautiful words in the English language are 'cheque enclosed."

"Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses."

"Three be the things I shall never attain: Envy, content, and sufficient champagne."

"MenThey hail you as their morning starBecause you are the way you are.If you return the sentiment,They'll try to make you different;And once they have you, safe and sound,They want to change you all around.Your moods and ways they put a curse on;They'd make of you another person.They cannot let you go your gait;They influence and educate.They'd alter all that they admired.They make me sick, they make me tired."

"The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires."

"Four be the things I'd have been better without: love, curiosity, freckles and doubt."

"I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true."

"There's a hell of a distance between wise-cracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wise-cracking is simply calisthenics with words.", Summer 1956]"

"I require three things in a man: he must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid."

"Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both."

"That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them."

"Brevity is the soul of lingerie."

"That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment."

"I like to have a martini,Two at the very most.After three I'm under the table,after four I'm under my host."

"I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it."

"Don't look at me in that tone of voice."

"Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common."

"If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to."