"I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."

"Michael had to pound me a couple of times to convince me not to go stage a rescue." Shane shrugged. "He hits like a girl, for a vampire."

"Ambulances were cool. “You just want to fondle my extraneous body parts,” I said to the EMT as I picked up a silver gadget that looked disturbingly like an alien orifice probe, broke it, then promptly put it back, hoping it wouldn’t leave someone’s life hanging in the balance because the EMT couldn’t alien-probe his orifices."

"The kiss originated when the first male reptile licked the first female reptile, implying in a subtle way that she was as succulent as the small reptile he had for dinner the night before."

"I'm not senile," I snapped. "If I burn the house down it will be on purpose."

"I sheathed my blade and glared at him. "And here I almost thought you weren't a complete bastard.""Well, that's your mistake, not mine."

"Well, thanks for not shooting anyone, I guess", said Marcus. "My contribution was to somehow refrain from peeing myself. You can thank me later."

"Sir Beldevere: What makes you think she's a witch? Peasant 3: Well, she turned me into a newt! Sir Beldevere: A newt? Peasant 3: [meekly after a long pause] ... I got better. Crowd: [shouts] Burn her anyway!"

"Why couldn't you turn into a fireball when we were on the same team!"

"What's the use of a great city having temptations if fellows don't yield to them?"

"By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams."

"What a strange family you are! Is your name Lettie too?"

"I'm so pretty, it's hard for me to think of myself as intelligent."

"I'm not stubborn. My way is just better."

"I see you're a man with ideals. I better be going before you've still got them."

"I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together and--regardless of their political or cultural differences--accuse each other of cheating."

"How can such scary looking parents create something so cute?"

"I'd rather be fried alive and eaten by Mexicans."

"Do you sleep naked?"

"I've tried to get the angel to watch MTV so I can learn the vocabulary of your music, but even with the gift of tongues, I'm having trouble learning to speak hip-hop. Why is it that one can busta rhyme or busta move anywhere but you must busta cap in someone's ass? Is "ho" always feminine, and "muthafucka" always masculine, while "bitch" can be either? How many peeps in a posse, how much booty before baby got back, do you have to be all that to get all up in that, and do I need to be dope and phat to be da bomb or can I just be "stupid"? I'll not be singing over any dead mothers until I understand."

"If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase."

"Hell's bells, irony blows."