"Tut, Tut, looks like rain"

"Most of the upper management of I.S. were undead. I always thought it was because the job was easier if you didn't have a soul."

"Dear Non-American Black, when you make the choice to come to America, you become black. Stop arguing. Stop saying I'm Jamaican or I'm Ghanaian. America doesn't care."

"Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions."

"You don't happen to have a thousand dollars I can borrow?" "I don't have five you can borrow. My piggy bank is officialy anorexic."

"But that was life: Nobody got a guided tour to their own theme park. You had to hop on the rides as they presented themselves, never knowing whether you would like the one you were in line for...or if the bastard was going to make you throw up your corn dog and your cotton candy all over the place."

"Rosie get off your desk, and please put your beard away."

"I don't mind if you forget me.Having learned my lesson,I never left an impression on anyone."

"We made too many wrong mistakes."

"As for Gussie Finknottle, many an experienced undertaker would have been deceived by his appearance and started embalming on sight."

"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous."

"This was very exciting. I'd never had two boys get into a fight over me before. The fact that one of the boys was my stepbrother, however, and held about as much romantic appeal for me as Max, the family dog, somewhat dampened my enthusiasm. And Michael wasn't much of a catch, either, when you actually thought about it, being a potential murderer and all. Oh, why did I have to have such a couple of losers fighting over me? Why couldn't Matt Damon and Ben Affleck fight over me? Now that would be truly excellent."

"I am perfectly qualified to give you an injection. You're not going to tell me you're afraid of a little prick?""I wouldn't call you that..."

"I alternate between feeling sympathetic toward humanity and being a misanthrope. When I'm sympathetic, it usually means I haven't been around people in awhile."

"If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it in election times."

"Women are sneaky."

"All I really wanted to do was cuddle back under the blankets, maybe with a certain stuffed toy penguin I knew. Yeah, hiding sounded good."

"If there is anyone here whom I have not insulted, I beg his pardon."

"I'm amazing and studly, but I have limits."

"I like pancakes."

"You told me I was the best sex you'd ever had in your life...You couldn't get enough...At one point you were so loud I thought sure hotel security was going to beat down the door."

"Heartache often drives us to consume things we wouldn't otherwise, such as an entire pint of Caramel Pecan Perfection high-fat ice cream, covered in ganache, the crack cocaine of frozed dairy. Twelve hundred calories per pint, six hundred and eighty of which are fat calories, but is only dulls the pain for the moment, there's that carb fog while you're standing at the sink shoving it in your face, and then it's over and you feel...used. Like a cheap pickup the Dove people seduced and abandoned in your kitchen, leaving you with sticky hands and an empty cup and a still-broken heart, except now you're mad at Dove, too."